Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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