I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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