My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
