i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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