Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
