I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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