I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
