Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize