theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
