I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We're too hungover to prance.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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