I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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