Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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