Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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