hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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