Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
