God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
