I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I need moral support for this bender
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
