ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
