I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
