i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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