My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
