I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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