I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
