Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
