I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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