I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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