She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize