Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
