Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
