god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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