i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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