You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
