I want to stick my p in your. b.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
