You smell like stripper and shame
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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