needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
