One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
