There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
