You made me cry and you don't even care
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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