I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
