every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
