the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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