could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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