I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
