wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
