My sheets look like a crime scene.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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