so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
