Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
