So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
