There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sorry my hands just texted you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
