I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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