lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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