Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
