This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
