saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
