My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
