Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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