the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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