what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
