Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
